Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching
all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want
sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a
far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came
to
mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And
when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After
all
of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
